o.k. so after I remembered about the VM ware delete network interfaces and recreate them, the cluster upgrde tool seemed to work .... in that I had lots . of green lights saying everything was done ... except the master publisher still thought the secondarty was disabled.
I then tried logging onto the secondary on the cli and that worked with appadmin /pw
logged in via the GUI and the secondary was sitting there thinking it was a standalone machine
Currently restoring secondary . from the on disk backup file, config/session and cluster info to see if that brings it back.